This Was Never About What Time You Got Home

It started as something small.

A time. A plan. A simple expectation.

One person thought the night would go a certain way.
The other had a completely different experience.

And now it’s a full argument.

But it was never about the time.

In this episode, we break down how expectations actually work inside a relationship. Where they come from, how they stay unspoken, and how they slowly turn into resentment without either person realizing it.

We talk about the cycle most couples get stuck in. Expectation, no communication, unmet, resentment, withdrawal, repeat.

We also get into over-functioning and how one partner quietly starts carrying more than they should. That pattern builds pressure over time and eventually explodes.

Grace shares how this shows up not just in relationships, but at work and in everyday life. She also talks about her RESET Foundations program and how it helps women recognize where they are over-functioning and carrying too much before they hit burnout. 

We also touch on her Substack letter “I filed at 4:30,” where she breaks down a real moment of realizing expectations were placed on her that she never agreed to. 

This episode is about telling the truth about what was expected, what was never said, and what needs to be turned into an agreement if anything is going to change.

Because most of the time, it’s not a communication problem.

It’s an expectation problem.

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✨Married over 21 years. Parents of four. Survivors of trauma, ...

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Expectations bring forth frustrations because they're just gonna make that rhyme.

SPEAKER_01 0:07

I didn't know you was a rocker. Or Dr. Seuss, whichever. You cared about me. You'd get home on time.

SPEAKER_03 0:16

It's like a volcano, they eventually just erupt.

SPEAKER_01 0:19

Throwing the dishes in the sink and be like, I'm supposed to be doing this all the time.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

Continue growing, you know.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

I mean 20s were fun, parts of it, but I am glad not to be naive like that.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

So it's Friday night, and partner A says, Hey, I'm going out with my friends to see a movie at 8 o'clock. And they just leave it at that. Partner A leaves. Now partner B feels, hmm, movie's about two hours long. She'd probably be home about 10 30. 10 30 comes and goes, and no partner A. 11 o'clock goes and passes. 11 30 now. Partner A shows up, and yeah, that's what partner B is doing. And to partner A, it seems that partner B is yelling at him unknown why. Why are you so late? What happened to you? Are you cheating on me? And the cycle begins. So we'll start out. Is this argument about being late or is it about something else?

SPEAKER_01 1:35

I don't know. You know, it just depends on how you see it. It's like what happened before that partner A left the house?

SPEAKER_03 1:45

Just wanted to hang out with friends.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:47

And now all of a sudden it has turned into something else. Uh it seems partner B had an expectation of what time to be back, but did partner A share that expectation?

SPEAKER_01 2:03

Right, right. Partner A is probably just happy that they're going out and expecting to have fun wherever they're going.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

Got to see some old friends and had a good fun time, watched a good movie, and now is coming home to an angry partner and doesn't really know why. Yeah. No. So we mentioned expectations. So expectations is defined as a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future, or simply a belief that someone will or should do a particular something. So expectations sometimes, uh well, most of the time, are self-created. I mean it it just it it's something that begins at an early part of life.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

Right. Well, where where's where are they originating?

SPEAKER_03 3:05

Yeah, I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

I mean expectations are are always rooted in your gender, whatever you may be, female, male, binary, um, the way you were raised. Was it a parent household? Was it were you in foster care? You know, so it it it's rooted in all of that. What else can it be rooted with? What affects expectations?

SPEAKER_03 3:32

I mean, society, history, culture, family, like Yeah. Culture's big, man. Culture is very big. So society, because there's so many different subsocieties within your life. I mean, there could be school and work and home and just your friends, like it could all be different. And but expectations are b uh being taught at a young age. You know, you you start to learn uh the cause and effect and uh of of things, and that turns into now, well, it happened last time, so maybe it should happen again.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

Right, right. And then are they really fighting about the time that they got back? You know, what is that is that truly the topic? Is that is that truly the the the root of that argument? Or they is the person really saying something more like, you know, if you cared about me, you'd get home on time, or why aren't you coming home at a respectable hour? It could be something like that too.

SPEAKER_03 4:48

You know, yeah, what are you doing? What could have happened from the end of the movie till when you got home? What were you really up to? Because yeah, sometimes fear can dictate uh uh how you think about things and how you expect them to turn out, and and you hear stories about someone cheating, so therefore, and you kind of create it yourself.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

Right. So whatever it is that you're truly fighting about, that's the real fight. No. Right, and so but instead of digging deep, a lot of a lot of couples will just be on the surface, riding, you know, the the the top level about that, just right on the surface. But you gotta dig deep for those kinds of things. Because I mean, nobody walks into a relationship and have the same expectations.

SPEAKER_03 5:45

So they expectations like unspoken expectations can turn into silent resentment in in a relationship. Um it it's just something that builds and builds, and usually the smaller it is, the longer it takes to build, but it will build, and before you know it, it becomes a big issue.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Yeah, I mean that's why you have to talk about these expectations early on.

SPEAKER_03 6:18

Yeah, for sure. I mean, you you you have to talk about them because if you just think about them, it's a one-sided conversation.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

So here, let me give an example of something that you could talk about before you make that big final commitment with rings and everything. Would you like to have children?

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

You know, like some people don't even have that conversation. And then you marry someone, and then one is expecting to become parents in the first three years, and the other one's like, What? I love our life, just the two of us.

SPEAKER_03 6:57

So, you know, or even beyond that, like how many people want kids right away, and how many people say, Hey, let's just enjoy ourselves, enjoy each other for uh for a few years before we start having kids.

SPEAKER_01 7:12

Well, someone could say, How could you not know I wanted kids? I'm always playing with kids, I'm always, you know, how I play with your nieces and nephews. But you can't assume. You can't assume.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

Right. I mean, especially people who come from a large family, that may have tipped them into not wanting a large family. So you can't just say, well, if they have uh ten uncles and aunts, they'll definitely want kids. Because that's not necessarily uh how it works.

SPEAKER_01 7:44

So and when you have that that disagreement or expectations that weren't met, you start to get distance between you. Oh yeah. You know, and you drift.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

And we're not saying expect I think a lot of this comes from people are trying to anticipate and they want to be right, you know. Oh, well, sometimes I expect him to come home because I know him and and he's gonna come home. Yeah, but what if he doesn't come home at the time you think? Now it becomes an issue. Why? Because he's never done it before. Don't leave anything to chance, so to speak.

SPEAKER_00 8:30

Right.

SPEAKER_03 8:31

So what happens say guy comes home and decides to sit down and watch the game every night he comes home because he loves baseball, he knows his wife understands that, and now she starts becoming overfunctioning and now doing everything to event to let him watch the game.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Yeah. Oh, that's a trap.

SPEAKER_03 9:01

Oh yeah. It's a trap because what may be fine once or twice isn't necessarily fine a hundred times in a row or three hundred times in a row, because those little buildups that we talked about before now just build up and it's like a volcano, they eventually just erupt.

SPEAKER_01 9:21

Yeah, you know, a lot of times, and and this has happened between you and I one of us will pick up the slack, fill in the gap, and the other person's just gone, oh, that's so cool that he did that. That was great. And then you do it again, and it becomes what we talked about on those other in the last episode about you end up inheriting that role or that job.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

And so now I expect you to always do it, or you expect me to always do it, and so now I'm overfunctioning, like you said, and that's a lot to carry, depending on what it is. And you know, you may not see think it's a lot. Yeah, you may think, oh, they got it because they've been doing it, but it becomes a lot for a person when they have to hold something for too long, right?

SPEAKER_03 10:16

So the real question is before that happens, like how do you reset it?

SPEAKER_01 10:23

Um, I think someone's gotta say something. Either one, right? Someone's gotta say, baby, thank you so much for doing that. Are you okay doing that? Or do you think, you know, is it something we should share? Or the person who's doing the overfunctioning to be like, baby, I didn't mind doing that, but you think that we could share this? No, you know, it's tough for me to carry this. I don't mind if if I do this for a while, how long do you think? Or whatever is the thing. But if if you're talking about like what you were giving the example of uh handling something because you like to relax and watch your games during college basketball season or something like that. I know. Um, you know, but you have to talk about it because otherwise the other person's gonna be like throwing the dishes in the sink and be like, the f I'm supposed to be doing this all the time. You know, and it reminds me of like what I just um did at work. You know, where I had to on my day job where I had to draw some lines. And a lot of women who overfunction at home, they tend to overfunction everywhere. So I'm space specifically speaking to women right now because I do coach women separately, and I have a digital program called Reset Foundations, and this is where you find out where do I overfunction? Where am I carrying more than I should? Where do I always agree to do all of this? Like, why do I end up having so much on my plate? And you figure out like, why is this happening? How do I stop it? Where is it that I'm making this quick decision to do these things, and then I don't notice it until I'm completely exhausted already.

SPEAKER_03 12:14

All right.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

You know? So if women are interested or you know women who could benefit from that, you can learn more about it on Instagram. There's a link there.

SPEAKER_03 12:23

Yeah, and and when you eliminate some of those terrible cycles, I mean, it's just such a weight lifted off, and you you can really notice the difference.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Yes, yes. So it's about noticing, you know, and you learn about you, right? So but when you do notice, then you have to communicate it, like we said. So, like what's an emotional expectation that I could communicate to you, which I have many many times in the past, has been, hey, hi, I am here.

SPEAKER_00 12:58

Yeah, you know, pay attention to me, I miss you.

SPEAKER_03 13:02

Spend time, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:04

I feel alone.

SPEAKER_03 13:06

And it doesn't only have to be women, guys. Like guys guys need to feel close to. So and I mean, there there's just I mean, emotional is just one thing. I mean, there could be uh uh just practical things. Um, like, hey, I need I know it's usually my job to clean the whole house, but since we've had kids, like it's it's become a lot, and I would love some help. You know, so um things like that, you can always get them mixed up at times and think one is the other, or vice versa, where oh, I need time. Okay, well, we clean the house together. No, it's it's a little different.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Yeah, yeah. But you know, I think when when you are asking for help, you really are looking for a connection for your partner to understand what you're going through. No.

SPEAKER_03 14:06

For sure, because uh a relationship is an ever-growing thing like a plant. You know, it it doesn't stop growing, it doesn't, it's always trying to expand and grow. So if you find your yourself saying, Oh, well, they changed, I don't like how they are, maybe you need to update your expectations of them. Um their needs may have changed. I mean, not everybody can stay 20 years old forever, you know. We no, thank you. We can continue growing, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:44

I mean 20s 20s were fun parts of it, but I am glad not to be naive like that anymore. No offense to the 20-year-old. No doing a lot of growing in every stage.

SPEAKER_03 14:56

But I mean people evolve. Yeah, and relationships evolve, and it your your job is to help keep it on the plus side. Relationships can definitely evolve to the negative, and um that's when you don't put the work in. Uh relationships are work.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Yeah, you can keep saying saying, Oh, you're not the person I met. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah. You know, like I'm changing, and and that's okay, but that's makes it exciting too.

SPEAKER_03 15:35

Nobody nobody wants to stay the same person. They may try, but things things happen in life, and before you know it, you change.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Right. And if you don't realize that that person is growing or your expectations have changed, or you don't even know what their current expectations are, if you don't communicate it, they can't meet it. And like you said, you have the resentment and then you have the withdrawal.

SPEAKER_03 16:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Where people say, uh, this just how it is.

SPEAKER_03 16:07

Yeah, the the the loop or the cycle is just it's expectation. Uh no communication about that expectation, so it's becomes unmet. Uh that equals the resentment, which turns into withdrawal, and you just keep repeating until you blow up. And a lot of couples are just stuck there now.

SPEAKER_01 16:30

Yeah. That cycle will create an actual hole, and you'll fall through it and out of your relationship, like you know, and that and this is where people get stuck for years or you know, long periods of time. For you and I, Steve, it's was years. And I think we didn't complete uh the whole thing. I think what we did do was we did communicate, we did try to connect. Um, although we failed multiple times at meeting the expectations or making the right decision, but we didn't stop trying.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Yeah, and you know what? That's part of the growing as well.

unknown 17:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:10

You know, uh what's that one business guy say? Uh which one? Every failure you have brings you closer to success. Yeah. Because you're just eliminating any way to fail.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

So exactly, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 17:27

So when it comes to expectations, I mean the way to change them from expectations is to change them into agreements. Um, what we mean by that is expectations are silent. They're something you come up with in your own head, okay, and agreements are spoken, okay, and they are agreed upon, okay. Expectations create pressure. Um, there are heavy burdens that come with certain expectations, because not all expectations are from your partner, it could be society or or something like that. Um the being a man uh uh is is a great pressure if that's not how you are naturally, you know. But agreements create clarity, okay? Because if it hasn't been said clearly, it's not an agreement, okay? Both sides have to discuss it. Hey, I think you should be back from that movie at 10 30. Well, I haven't hung out with my friends for a while. I was thinking of hanging out a little bit longer than 10 30. Oh, okay. Um, whatever, just text me. 11, 11:30. I I was hoping to see you before I fall asleep. Okay. Sounds good to me. I'll keep you up to date. And now it's an agreement. And it has changed the entire night and hopefully the relationship.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Right, right. You know, and and what you just said is just it's applied to everything. It doesn't have to be just in your romantic relationship. These are things that you have with your friends.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

At work.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

At work, woohoo!

SPEAKER_02 19:19

Uh at work.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Come on, guys. I think everybody um who is watching, listening, has had people at work expect something from them. And you did not agree to it.

SPEAKER_03 19:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:34

You know, I mean, I had that experience and I wrote all about it in my grace's letter. I really dumped it all out there in my letter. It was it uh I dropped it yesterday. It's called uh I filed at 4 30. Oh, what did I file? I filed a leave of absence because my job was expecting me to do one, two, three, four, you name it, on my plate, and I never agreed to it. Or it was never anyway, read about it. And so you can see and see if you relate yourself. But uh you can find that also on Instagram. I write about things about expectations and your relationships, usually for women, but I think men uh can learn something from it too. I've had some men comp uh comment on it on LinkedIn.

SPEAKER_03 20:30

So Oh, definitely. I mean, guys, if if you can get inside women's heads whenever you can, it's it's it's there to help help you learn, you know. Yeah. So um yeah, you're not frustrated because your partner is wrong. You know, you expectations bring forth frustrations because they're not.

SPEAKER_01 20:57

Did you mean to make that rhyme? Did it rhyme? Expectations bring forth frustrations. Oh, okay. Hey. I didn't know you were a rock arm. Or Dr. Seuss, whichever.

SPEAKER_03 21:10

It's like Dr. Seuss. He's gotta be rich somewhere, right? His company. Well, it it it's just unrealistic, and it doesn't even have to be updated with what is current in your relationship or your job or anything like that. The the work is just putting forth the effort and noticing it and staying in the present.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

That's right, that's right.

SPEAKER_03 21:42

So say what you expect, ask what they expect, make sure it's realistic, and then turn it into an agreement, and then continue to revisit it as life changes. I mean, it's throughout your entire life. Relationship doesn't stop.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Yeah, yeah. And remember, it's not always a communication problem, it will most likely always be an expectation problem. So until you start telling the truth about that, nothing's going to change.

SPEAKER_03 22:19

That's right. Catch you on the next episode.

unknown 22:25

All right, bye.